John Lyon

Pinned

John Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social

5mo

If a woman looks sad, tell her, "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

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Dropped Mike @rebrafsim.bsky.social

20h

interviewer: it says here you’re not afraid to challenge authority

me: no it doesn’t

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940

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Dreamer @elgatoesmio.bsky.social

20h

all life needs is a good narrator to tell us where we went wrong

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Danny @mardigroan.bsky.social

1d

When they invented that vertical space in which elevators would operate it was a real paradigm shaft.

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@turkeyteeth008.bsky.social

1d

I hate you, don’t leave me.

Me to me.

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7

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Uffdafuckingda @uffdada.bsky.social

1d

A GPS… But for life

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14

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𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚐 𓆏𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊 @pogue.omg.lol

1d

I'm just staring at the tv listening to the news, jaw agape, not even able to comprehend what's even happening right now

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Siege @tellumsiege.bsky.social

1d

TOP TEN COOLEST GAITS STARTING WITH “S,” RANKED:

10) Shambling
9) Slogging
8) Staggering
7) Skipping
6) Speedwalking
5) Sauntering
4) Strolling
3) Striding
2) Swaggering
1) Strutting

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36

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Kellalena @kellalena.bsky.social

1d

Plans will be canceled in the order in which they were made.

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Kat Alderson 🎉 @klaybourne.bsky.social

1d

You may have seen my cameos in the following docu-dramas:

Constipation
Constipation 2: The Bloat From Within
Constipation 3: The Struggle is Real
Constipation 4: From the Bowels of Hell
Constipation 5: A Shitposter's Journey

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MiloPoint @milopoint.bsky.social

1d

First date idea: We take a dirt nap.

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13

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JSlow @jslow.bsky.social

1d

Someone I know on fb posted a photo, just taken of the moon and said, “I don’t see no spaceship, tell me more lies,” and oh man I’m tired.

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Starbuck Marquis @hauntedandroid.bsky.social

1d

The 47th circle of Dante’s hell is people who use speakerphone then complain they can’t hear you.

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Jack @wakeupangry.bsky.social

1d

I don’t send nudes but if I did I’d probably add a slide whistle sound effect.

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Jim @jimstewart.bsky.social

1d

This work thing is harshing my skeet activity.

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Robert Knop @fatherwithtwins.bsky.social

1d

Me: It’s cold outside, so bundle up

16: Okay, I’ll put socks on

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4

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Cosmic Clau @cosmicclau.bsky.social

1d

i'm (not) sorry for the things i said when i had too much caffeine (i meant every word)

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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social

1d

John's calves burned with each step, and a sharp pain pierced his abdomen. As he neared the safety of daylight, the sound of webbed feet slapping concrete grew louder. He risked a look over his shoulder, and found himself staring directly into the beady eyes of fate. He screamed.

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411

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Brick's House 🍁 @brickmahoney.bsky.social

1d

[team meeting]

boss: ok, let's roundtable your ideas on leveraging AI to optimize our synergy in the global marketplace

me:

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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social

1d

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

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John Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social

1d

My face when I’m watching the news.

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Theciscokidder @theciscokidder.bsky.social

2d

When you skip intro but still have to watch the last 5 seconds of said intro.

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🅿️rofessor Kiosk 💊 @professorkiosk.wtf

2d

the world may not be getting better but it is getting bitter

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35

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Donkey Hotay 💩 @donkee.bsky.social

2d

You’ve reached the end of your 3 day free trial of breathing. To continue breathing please choose from one of our exorbitantly priced subscriptions

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Blake @credit2mywife.bsky.social

2d

Velcro dice so we nerds can play D&D in zero gravity

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11

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Dropped Mike @rebrafsim.bsky.social

2d

me: I’ll take dare

judge: no

2

1

567

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batkaren (a/k/a kt roth) @batkaren.bsky.social

2d

Top 8 Subversive Postmodern Poets Confronting Oppositional Power Structures Through Discursive Language Who Married Total Hotties

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51

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C 🇨🇦 @coffeeinhand.bsky.social

2d

Easter Sunday at my parents. I’ve been offered ham and judgment

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Theciscokidder @theciscokidder.bsky.social

2d

I hope they find the factory reset for humanity back there today.

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strange ranger @lithiumsucks.bsky.social

2d

I wanted to relieve my stress, not re-live it.

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los 🦦 @los-los.bsky.social

2d

People who won’t eat cake for breakfast will never survive the apocalypse.

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