Jesus: "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God" (Matthew 19:24)

Evangelicals: So you mean God wants us to hoard money by punishing poor people

April 04, 2026 - 16:02 UTC

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"the eye of the needle is just a door babe, honest, its not a metaphor, I really just don't like camels"
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"the worse their life is now, the more god will reward them in heaven. I'm helping them, really. see how selfless I am"
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“Actually, “the eye of the needle“ refers to one specific Stone gate that led to Damascus. And as you can see, it is just large enough for a wealthy man’s camel to travel through it. Case closed!“
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Jesus: (The Beatitudes)

Evangelicals: The Lord speaks in vague and mysterious ways.
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Jesus: spends time with the poor and prostitutes. Helps the sick and injured. Washes peoples' feet with his own hair.

Evangelical: We really need to do another homeless encampment sweep, they make the sidewalks so crowded and dirty 😤
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Leviticus: god hates f-gs

Evangelicals: EVERY LAST WORD IS TRUE

Leviticus: a whole bunch of other laws

Evangelicals: it’s very nuanced. Some Mosiac law is purely ceremonial and some law is moral, and as the blessed Pastor Dobson wrote in his 1988 book you can tell them apart by…
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Jesus: When you pray, close your windows and doors, kneel in your room, and make it only between you and God.

Evangelicals: Okay so Jesus wants us to all dress in our fanciest and go to a gigantic ornately decorated castle so we can make sure our neighbors hear how loudly we can sing his praises.
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Jesus: This heathen Samaritan is getting into heaven before you because God loves charity more than religious rules.

Evangelicals: Jesus was lying*.

*I wish I was joking, but that’s their bible scholars’ position. The reasoning is tortured.
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Their true god is Mammon.
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Interestingly, in English versions of the Christian bible other than the King James version, it's not Mammon, but Money: (Matthew 6:24, Luke 16:13)
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Oh no my favorite one here is that they spun up some bullshit about “oh no the eye of the needle is a name for a gate into Jerusalem and so it actually means *masturbatory noises*”
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I started cackling the first time I heard that one in a church service
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even in that made up story it was all "well it was a narrow gate so you had to unload the bags from the camel to get it through"

and i'm like "oh so like when jesus told that rich guy to give all his shit to the poor?" and they're like "no not like that at all"
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Oh yeah I got that exact sermon during chapel one day and I can’t tell you how excited some of my classmates were to “learn” this (they were attended a private college paid for by their very rich parents)
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Not just the Evangelicals! They spent SO MUCH time in Catholic Sunday school explaining that one away. It really bothered them.
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Evangelicals reading about literally every villain in the bible:
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Fun Fact: Garfield never actually said that line.
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These types absolutely do not actually read the Bible
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Reminds me of this SNL sketch that doesn’t seem to exist on YouTube

snltranscripts.jt.org/96/96cheyward.phtml
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