Jesus: (The Beatitudes)

Evangelicals: The Lord speaks in vague and mysterious ways.

April 04, 2026 - 16:14 UTC

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Jesus: This heathen Samaritan is getting into heaven before you because God loves charity more than religious rules.

Evangelicals: Jesus was lying*.

*I wish I was joking, but that’s their bible scholars’ position. The reasoning is tortured.
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Real book:
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Jesus: When you pray, close your windows and doors, kneel in your room, and make it only between you and God.

Evangelicals: Okay so Jesus wants us to all dress in our fanciest and go to a gigantic ornately decorated castle so we can make sure our neighbors hear how loudly we can sing his praises.
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And then we need to go to a restaurant that serves brunch and absolutely ruin a server’s day
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*Evangelicals: So we should totally do this on TV / streaming. And in the restaurants. And on the street corners and in the parks with megaphones.
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Evangelicals: So I must lay hands on the President while I pray publicly and have it blasted across the Internet. I see it now! Thank you Lord!
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Leviticus: god hates f-gs

Evangelicals: EVERY LAST WORD IS TRUE

Leviticus: a whole bunch of other laws

Evangelicals: it’s very nuanced. Some Mosiac law is purely ceremonial and some law is moral, and as the blessed Pastor Dobson wrote in his 1988 book you can tell them apart by…
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Evangelicals: If we wrap bacon around the shrimp it shall become pleasing to the lord.
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Jesus: spends time with the poor and prostitutes. Helps the sick and injured. Washes peoples' feet with his own hair.

Evangelical: We really need to do another homeless encampment sweep, they make the sidewalks so crowded and dirty 😤
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