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My two sons are hiding on the runway shooting their potato guns at planes and one of them just made a jet engine explode
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A dear friend sent me a birthday card and when I opened it, the contents were replaced with the bluesky profile picture of Hillary Clinton. This didn't happen in real life, but there's nothing stopping you from bringing this wonderful dream to reality, just for me.
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guy who went psychotic over his "ai girlfriend" but he's just been trying to nonstop rizz up the google result overview
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Me (39M) looking to euthanize my ailing dog in your house. We will show up, lay out a big blanket in your living room during your family TV time, and a vet will do it. The dog and I will split his fav food (huge bean burrito), you will share a few words, and he will die in my arms. I *cannot* host.
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The rules of the road are simple: if you are a pedestrian, and I am gunning toward you at 95 mph, bend over at 45 degrees so I can use your back as a ramp for a sick jump. Otherwise, what happens to you is out of my hands.
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Vietnamese rules because if you know they use the same alphabet as English you're like "that should be easier for me to pronounce". And then you see the words and they're like: ôh ỷợư thĩnk sồ đụmb ằss??
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I'm livestreaming my taxes and chat keeps repeating my pockets are "mothpilled". My outfit is "barrelmaxxing". I hate these insolent youths.
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Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I think it’s funny SNL does a party every week after the show. None of you earned this you just went to work for a week
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Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The Artemis II mission concluded with a successful splashdown and all astronauts recovered... as well as an emaciated rescued Gayle King. "What came back with Katy Perry wasn't me," she rasped. "You have to kill it, for all of Earth. Kill everyone it's touched."
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I miss the days when presidential scandals were just that Obama wore panties to a press conference that said JUICY on the back even though we could all see his ass was long and lifeless.
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The Artemis II mission concluded with a successful splashdown and all astronauts recovered... as well as an emaciated rescued Gayle King. "What came back with Katy Perry wasn't me," she rasped. "You have to kill it, for all of Earth. Kill everyone it's touched."
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Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
People always laugh and call me "Toblerone freak" for having 100 crates of Toblerone in my living room but it's like lmfaooo we'll see who's laughing if we get invaded by aliens whose only weakness is hypersexuality and they have triangular pussies
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YOU: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
ME: (has only ever thought I would hold its nose up to the vacuum hose and figure out a way to hit "reverse" so it puffs all the skin off until it pops) I don't know. I don't know.
ME: (has only ever thought I would hold its nose up to the vacuum hose and figure out a way to hit "reverse" so it puffs all the skin off until it pops) I don't know. I don't know.
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aRtEMIs hURrR aRtEMIs. I fell in the ocean too from a low flying celebrity homes helicopter tour. And no one gave a shit.
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Millennials ruined the industry of reassembling a crummy old cat skeleton wrong and selling tickets to rubes to see the bones of "a beautiful fairy"
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I'm taking more calls on my Spitting Up Blood podcast tonight @ 8PM Eastern. This week's theme: let us know about a time you were painfully spitting up blood. I will be groaning and gurgling into the mic over your calls but will be unable to speak. As always, found wherever you listen to your faves.
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As of my lunch break, I've finally read every Agatha Christie mystery, from 1921's 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘔𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘈𝘧𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘢𝘵 𝘚𝘵𝘺𝘭𝘦𝘴 to 1976's 𝘔𝘢𝘯 𝘚𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳. Real quick read too. A guy slips off a balcony while Miss Marple watches and is unable to investigate, stuck on the toilet from eating week old hard boiled eggs.
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Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
DMing every mutual "are we ok" and then unfollowing/following ~5x quickly to flood their phone with push notifs
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Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
MELANIA: You want me. Out of nowheres. To remind every one. Of my best friend, and child sex monster. Jeffrey Epstein?? (squints evilly)
NATHAN FIELDER: (voice over) The First Lady loved my idea.
NATHAN FIELDER: (voice over) The First Lady loved my idea.
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DMing every mutual "are we ok" and then unfollowing/following ~5x quickly to flood their phone with push notifs
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LAST TIME, ON "THE PITT"
DR. ROBBY: Hmp. 😬 Hmm. Ah. 😐 (sucks in breath) Mm. 😬 Langdon.
DANA: Aoouwe!! Whauw aw youw rauwe rauh yuhouh, Tinkerbew. Got a reaw Puter Paun ouw a wouw.
PATIENT: My face fell off into my hands. Please speak English and then help me die.
DR. ROBBY: Hmp. 😬 Hmm. Ah. 😐 (sucks in breath) Mm. 😬 Langdon.
DANA: Aoouwe!! Whauw aw youw rauwe rauh yuhouh, Tinkerbew. Got a reaw Puter Paun ouw a wouw.
PATIENT: My face fell off into my hands. Please speak English and then help me die.
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Priest showing up at mass with a great big pair of juicy DSLs: "God gave me more mouth to better spread His holy word"
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MELANIA: You want me. Out of nowheres. To remind every one. Of my best friend, and child sex monster. Jeffrey Epstein?? (squints evilly)
NATHAN FIELDER: (voice over) The First Lady loved my idea.
NATHAN FIELDER: (voice over) The First Lady loved my idea.
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Reposted by Mike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
"My Hubby Is Perverse— Masturbator Does The Unspeakable"
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