Alkonost @almach-vera.bsky.social

🏳️‍⚧️ she-it
🇳🇿

I saw a cat today
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Maybe that's insensitive
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Do you ever fantasise about something being wrong with your brain?

Not in a way of wanting something to be wrong with it, just as something to be able to point to as the reason for your bad?
"Look, the doctor showed me I have this tumour. This is the reason I'm me"
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Fond of rocks
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Visiting old home for the first time in months tomorrow.

Mostly thinking about the feeling of sleeping there. How do you feel about sleeping in the place you grew up?

I think for me it's a kind of sinking feeling. Feel encased and frozen in time in a way. Feels other from everywhere else I sleep.
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I love her and I miss her.

Something that hits especially hard is not being able to ask her for advice, what she would do, telling her what has happened.

I miss that comfort a lot.

She was human but someone I cared for and she cared for me. I miss that kind of understanding and love.
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Alongside the anniversary of me starting HRT is unfortunately the anniversary of my mother's passing away.

It's been a few years now.

Grief is a tenacious thing with how it sneaks on you. I feel like I feel her during both my worst and best moments.

A ghost that's always behind me.
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Thank you to that kid who imagined what it was like to be a girl so I could be one now.
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I never forgot the name of the woman in that story I liked. Naming characters was the most fun with writing, playing with terminology and etymology.

Her name is Almach-Vera.
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I wish I could tell my kid self she could be this woman.
That it wasn't a means of faking something that was already there.

I feel grief for that kid.

I never did as much writing later as I did back then.
It's coming up 3 years soon that I've been on HRT.
I found the old notebooks I wrote in...
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...as a means of survival. Acting and immersing as this woman, being her and feeling her, becoming her.

To a point she was her. A point where more of her was her new self than that past beforehand.

She was this woman...
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...the main character by circumstances (conflicts and happenstances) was a guy who became stuck in the body of a woman.

This character was in a world surrounded by others in a world that wanted him dead if they found out he wasn't actually this woman for real.

So he faked being this woman...
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I used to write a lot of stories about being put in a girl's body. Sci fi stuff, mostly plot outlines and setting concepts than any actual writing.

My favourite was one that was set centuries in the future, a setting where people could control their bodies however whatever...
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...when my kid self wrote stories and decided it felt more compelling to write from the perspective of a character who was a girl.

Was I transitioning then? I wish I was, or I wish I could tell that kid it was okay to be a girl too.
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Coming up almost 3 years I've treated my body with HRT.

Been thinking about when I think I did start my transition, if it started when I started estrogen & gave the boot to my testosterone, or before then in that shower thought I considered what my life would be like as a girl.

Maybe it was...
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