We are deep into the "if I can't have you, no one can" stage of white Republicans' decades-long abusive relationship with America, and I suspect that we've all watched enough true-crime TV to know how this is going to end.

Figs are gross. I hate the taste and the inside looks like bugs.

I’m good with pretty much anything else. And by far the best fresh fruit I’ve ever had was in Jamaica. Pineapple, melon, and guava so sweet and flavorful it’ll change your life. Also, ackee & saltfish is an underrated delicacy.

And Tiny Tim, who did NOT die, had one job on this lousy ship. It’s stupid, but he’s going to do it, okay?